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  “Fuck,” he grumbles, but before long, he’s settling back over me.

  “Zeke,” I whisper, but it’s his turn to angle his head so he doesn’t have to look at me.

  Embarrassed only moments ago by his eyes on me, I feel coldness settle over us when he refuses to look at me. It cheapens what’s going to happen. It diminishes what we’re doing.

  Before I can back out, he pushes forward in one long thrust, spearing into me on a low groan.

  The pain is nothing like I’ve heard it would feel like. It isn’t a tiny pinch, or a mild discomfort. It burns, stinging with every inch he pushes into me, and as tears swell and fall toward my temples, I want to shove him away.

  But then he lowers the top half of his body, the heat of his chest pressing against mine as he buries his face in my neck, and the shudder of his shoulders and the quiet sob that leaves his lips is more excruciating than anything I’ve ever felt before.

  I cling to him, hoping that the grip of my hands on his back is enough to ease his pain. I realize it may not be enough when he takes another gasping breath, so I spread my legs further and wrap them low on his back.

  And as I lie there, aching from his intrusion, I know I just willingly handed over another first to a boy who will hate me once again when the sun rises.

  Chapter 25

  Zeke

  Nothing compares to how she feels.

  The fantasies I’ve entertained while unable to sleep at night have nothing on the actual feel of her wrapped around me. The clutch of her core is amazing, but it’s the way she’s wrapped her arms around my back, legs around my hips that takes some of the bite out of my day.

  Nothing prepared me for this.

  Not the heavy petting that happened with Megan freshman year.

  Not the hand job Darlene gave me after fall formal two years ago.

  Not the sloppy, yet enthusiastic blow job Jill gave me after our final football game last fall.

  Absolutely nothing. This is a one of a kind, out of this world feeling.

  And yet, no matter how good Frankie feels, it doesn’t stop the guilt from surfacing.

  I didn’t expect my first time to be like this. Call me corny, but I wanted passion. I wanted to take my time. I wanted to make sure the girl I was with wanted it as much as I did, that she was ready for this step. I wanted it to be with someone I could have a future with.

  I don’t imagine Frankie pictured being taken roughly on the hardwood floor of a barn as her picture perfect first time either, but here we are. I’m as deep in her as her body will allow, yet I’m unable to move.

  It’s too damn good, and mere seconds in, it’s already close to being over.

  I try to blank my mind because there’s too much going on in my head to think of something that will take my mind off it long enough to make this good for her too.

  “Zeke?” she whispers. “Are you okay?”

  I haven’t moved, and even as a virgin, she’s well aware this isn’t how it works. Without answering her, I shift my hips back, the sensation of her flesh tugging down my length too much to even worry with the way she winces. The next time will be better for her, I vow in my head as I press forward again.

  “Play with your pussy,” I manage, but my body is already betraying me. My balls are seizing up, threatening to explode.

  “What?” Her nose crinkles up at the brash command.

  I don’t explain. Not only do I not have the ability, but I’d never be able to confess my failure right now. So instead, I press my mouth to her lips, rolling my tongue against hers as I succumb to my body’s needs.

  She whimpers when I swell further inside of her, but she never pulls her lips from mine. I kiss her through my orgasm, doing my best to keep most of my weight off of her as my body jerks and convulses.

  My head is swimming, but I manage to drop down to my elbows, cocooning her face as I continue to kiss her. I press soft kisses to her lips, her jawline, even brushing a few to her cheeks and eyelids.

  “Are you okay?” I ask when my heart rate drops enough to speak.

  “I think so.” Her fingers trail up and down my back, and she makes no move to push me away.

  “It’ll be better next time,” I vow, my body already waking up to the idea of being inside of her again.

  “Are you okay?” she asks, but she doesn’t have any idea how loaded of a question it is.

  I’m not okay. I’ll never be okay again.

  “I’m great,” I tell her, but even with limited visibility in this tiny room, I have to look away.

  “I mean… before. You seemed—”

  “I’m fine,” I assure her as I gingerly move my hips back. I hate the way her face scrunches in pain, but I have to put some distance between us.

  Even after what we just did, I can’t be vulnerable with her right now. I’m a few kind words from shattering completely, and breaking isn’t an option. My mom needs me to be strong.

  Reaching for the light string, I squeeze my eyes closed so the light doesn’t blind me. When I open them back up, Frankie has already pulled her shirt down, and she’s flipped the horse blanket so her bottom half is covered. I don’t respond in kind, having no issue with standing naked. My half-hard cock isn’t opposed to being the center of attention either. A ridiculous sense of pride fills my chest when I notice the pink tinge of blood at the base of my cock. I knew she was a virgin, but the barbaric proof on my skin lights a fire inside of me. I want to own her, to possess her, to command every second of her attention. I want to scream into the night that I’m claiming her and she’s off-limits to everyone else.

  “What’s that?”

  Guilt rushes over me as I look to where Frankie is pointing. The unused condom is already covered with bits and pieces of hay.

  “Did you… You didn’t wear one?” Her wide eyes find mine, and tears pool on her lower lashes. “I’m not on birth control, Zeke!”

  “I couldn’t get it to work,” I argue, snapping my jaw shut right before explaining to her that I’ve never put one on before. It was dark, and I think I may have had it upside down or something, but the damn thing wouldn’t roll down. “I needed you too badly.”

  It’s a flimsy, lame ass excuse, but it’s the damn truth. I wasn’t thinking of anything else other than sliding inside of her since the second she called my name from the tack room door. I needed just a moment, a blip in time when my world wasn’t imploding around me. She was my solace, my refuge from the pain building in my chest, my sole focus.

  “This is bad,” she mumbles. “So very bad.”

  Her eyes are still locked on the unused latex littering the floor, so I kick it to the side.

  I don’t want her upset or thinking about anything but the time we just shared. It wasn’t ideal. It wasn’t perfect. It was over long before I wanted it to be, but it was still special, even to me. We gave each other something we’ll never be able to give someone else, and with that thought my guilt doubles.

  I never checked with her to make sure that’s what she wanted. Sure she insisted on the condom, and to me that’s as good as permission, but I never really gave her the chance to think about it, a moment to reconsider. Even in my desperate need for her, I would’ve stopped had she really wanted me to.

  Feeling like an asshole, I crouch down in front of her, cupping both of her still-flushed cheeks in my hands. Her eyes still refuse to meet mine, so I press gentle lips to her forehead, resting them there and taking a deep calming breath.

  “You won’t get pregnant,” I assure her. “It doesn’t happen the first time.”

  I have no clue how true that statement is, but when I pull my face back, I can tell Frankie doesn’t believe me anyway.

  “That’s not my only concern,” she whispers, her eyes focused on her lap.

  “I’m clean,” I assure her. I can’t tell her I was a virgin, too. Guys my age aren’t virgins. None of my friends in school are. I even let them believe I had sex long ago with a girl from a neighboring town, ju
st to avoid the taunting and peer pressure.

  “I should get dressed and get back to my room.”

  There’s no emotion in her tone, and that makes me nervous. Frankie has never been one to pull back on her emotions. When she’s happy, she smiles. When she’s pissed, look out because she’s coming for you. When she’s upset, her eyes glisten with tears. The only time she checks her emotions is when her nan is around.

  Right now, her face is blank, expressionless, and it makes me cautious.

  “Can you stay with me, just a little longer?”

  She doesn’t answer, but she also doesn’t stand to get dressed, so I pull away from her only long enough to pull the light string. Once we’re encased in darkness, I lie down on the cold floor and urge her to my chest, hating the blanket that separates us.

  Resting my chin on the top of her head, I stare into the darkness. It would be so easy to spend the rest of my life right here with her. There are no worries, and if I focus hard enough, I can almost forget about the situation left waiting for me at home. In this moment with her, I can forget about what needs to be done, leave what I have to handle for tomorrow.

  But as she relaxes and her breathing evens out, I know I can’t avoid it forever. I have to get up, get dressed, and face a world my dad no longer inhabits.

  And as night turns to dawn, I have to leave the girl who just gave me everything, as she sleeps on a thin layer of hay wrapped in an itchy horse blanket.

  Later today, after finalizing funeral arrangements, after making sure my mom is as okay as she can be, I’ll come back and talk to her. I have so many things to say, so many things to apologize for, so many confessions to make.

  After letting my dad slip away without him hearing exactly how I felt, I can’t let that happen with another person I care about.

  Chapter 26

  Frankie

  A shiver races the length of my body, and I don’t have to open my eyes to know that he’s gone. I’m freezing without the warmth of his arms wrapped around me, but I shouldn’t expect anything less. After every interaction, good and bad, I wouldn’t mistake him for the type of guy to stick around after what happened last night.

  I ignore the blood between my legs, and I try not to focus on the soreness of my lower body as I pull my shorts on. I manage to make it back inside the house and up to my room without Nan catching me sneaking in, but a quick five-minute shower is all I have time for before we need to leave for the airport. I don’t bother washing my hair, but I know I can’t go all day smelling him on my skin. I’m already on edge from waking up alone. The last thing I need is to carry physical memories back to Colorado with me, even if it is just the scent of him.

  “Ready?” Nan asks as I carry my suitcase down the stairs. “I made taquitos. Easy to eat on the road.”

  “Thank you,” I mumble, a yawn escaping my lips.

  She carries the food while I lug my belongings and place them in the bed of her truck. I’m normally more talkative in the morning, but I just can’t manage small talk right now. I do my best not to look in the direction of Zeke’s house as we head down the driveway, but I cave, keeping my eyes on it until Nan turns the opposite way to head for the airport.

  She maintains the silence while I eat, happily humming along to a song in her head and strumming her fingers on the steering wheel. She glances at me, a small smile playing on her lips when I wad up the paper towel she used to wrap my breakfast in.

  “I’m so glad you came to visit with me, Frances. I hope you’ll come again soon.”

  “I will,” I lie.

  It may be easier to convince Nan to come to Colorado than it will be to get me to step foot back on her property. I need to leave Utah and Zeke behind. I don’t know that I’ll survive if I have to visit knowing he’s right down the street. Even though he got up in the middle of the night and walked away from me, it was still difficult not to ask Nan to swing by his house so I could see his handsome face one last time before leaving. I hate how vulnerable he makes me feel. I hate the way he controls my emotions with a simple look. I hate that even though he’s treated me poorly, I know that if he were here right now, I’d willingly walk into his arms and rest my head on his chest just so I could feel his warmth and hear his heart beating.

  “Did you and Zeke make plans to keep in touch?” Hope fills her voice, but I’m tired of pretending, tired of letting her believe that we’re some happy couple that found a long-lasting love connection in the middle of a cattle ranch.

  “No.”

  “Not even as friends?” she presses.

  “His life is here and mine is in Colorado. It doesn’t make sense. It wouldn’t work even if we wanted it to.”

  The physical distance wouldn’t be the only complication. There’s an ocean’s width of emotional distance between us, too. We’re never on the same page, and we probably never will be.

  “You can always come back during school holidays.”

  “I’ll think about it,” I lie, because she just sounds so hopeful, and I know Zeke isn’t the only reason she’s encouraging me to come visit. As strong and independent as Nan is, she also enjoys the company. It’s easy to get lonely in that big house of hers. I know because I found out the hard way.

  I hate that I’ve let that boy ruin Nan’s ranch for me. I shouldn’t have to consider how he’s going to treat me if I come back. She’s my family, and she should be what matters. I just chalk it up to one more way he’s able to control my feelings and my actions.

  We don’t talk much as she drives, both of us content to be in each other’s company without filling the void with mindless chatter, but the closer we get to the airport, the more my heart aches.

  Zeke didn’t talk after he turned off the light last night, and even though I had lain awake on his chest for some time, I didn’t open my mouth to speak either. The entire time before my eyes grew too heavy to keep open, I was waiting for him to slip into his hateful alter ego. It never came, but I stayed on edge anticipating the arrival.

  I was more surprised he didn’t wake me to insult me before leaving than I was that he just silently walked away. I shake my head, trying to clear it of those thoughts as Nan pulls forward to the drop-off area at the terminal.

  I place a hand on her arm when she starts to open her door. “The security people won’t be happy if you get out and clog traffic.”

  I scooch to the center of the seat and wrap my arms around her, inhaling the scent of her hair and the light crispness of her perfume.

  “I love you, Nan.”

  “Love you, too, sweetheart.” Her arms wrap all the way around me as if this is the very last time we’ll ever see each other. “Please come back to see me again soon.”

  Tears once again burn the back of my throat as I release her and climb out of the truck. Without a backward glance, I grab my suitcase from the bed and go inside, having to find a restroom before I can even approach the counter to check my bag. I feel like I’m walking away from much more than a summer visit with my grandmother. I’m leaving behind my innocence and a boy I could see myself loving if he wasn’t so hellbent on destroying the people around him.

  I give myself five minutes to cry in the bathroom stall before I wipe my eyes on the bottom of my t-shirt. After splashing water on my face and stiffening my spine, I head to the front counter and then through security. By the time I make it to my gate, my face is dry and I’m determined to leave all the pain and emotion I’ve had while in Utah right outside of the jetway. I will not carry any of it with me back to Colorado.

  I just want to get home and wrap my best friend in a hug. She’s dating the guy who tormented us for years, and as angry as I want to be about it, it’s her heart on the line not mine. After talking with her several times, I honestly think they’re meant for each other, but I’ll reserve that final judgment until after seeing it for myself.

  After the car accident, she had another episode that landed her back in the hospital, and even though she assures me she’s fine
, I won’t believe it until I see it for myself. She hasn’t told me everything, and sadly, even with my weeks of boredom and every opportunity to speak with her, we really haven’t talked much this summer, so I’ve been keeping secrets of my own.

  We’ve made plans to make up for that right away—a girl’s day spent getting manicures, pedicures, and school clothes shopping. Normally, this would be the highlight of my summer, but I can barely manage a smile when thinking about it.

  Even with all the bravado and positive affirmations just moments ago in the restroom, by the time I’m settling into my seat, my mood has soured right back to where it was when I woke this morning. Thankfully, I’ve scored a window seat, so I can look outside and not have to pay attention to anything else, but my seatmate doesn’t seem to catch on to my need to be left alone.

  “Don’t you just hate early morning flights?” he complains as he digs between us for the lost half of his seat belt.

  I merely nod and keep watching the workers rush around below the plane.

  “I was hoping the flight wouldn’t be booked. I forgot to get online last night. That’s why I ended up with the middle seat.”

  I don’t know if he’s hinting that he wants to change seats with me or what, but after a couple more minutes of him jabbering, he takes the hint and bothers the lady on the aisle seat. Unfortunately, she’s actually engaging with him, and their conversation is just as annoying.

  After the inflight instructions and takeoff, I pop my headphones in and turn my music up loud to drown the entire world out. When my eyes flutter closed and my mind drifts back to the weight of Zeke’s body on mine last night, I don’t even try to stop it. Those thoughts carry me into peaceful dreams filled with soft touches, promises of a future, and assurance that he feels the same about me that I feel about him.